Vote for antiperspirants, writes Raveena Tandon Thadani

I’ve worked with some extremely talented men and gorgeous women, but they’ve had serious body odour issues. And nothing puts me off faster. That and unhygienic people. And I’ve worked with macho heroes who insist on wearing leather jackets in the heat at whichever outdoor we are at. And after they sweat into those jackets, the heroine is always supposed to run them in slow-motion, hug the hero, khushi ke aansoo in eyes, after he beats up the baddies. Moments like those would make me cringe and wanna put a clothes peg on my nose.

I would stop inhaling for those few minutes till the shot was over, mentally picturing Baba Ramdev doing pranayama — exhaling slowly out and inhaling through the mouth. Didn’t know who my knight in shining armour was — the hairy baba or the leather-clad Drakkar Noir-using sweaty hero!

When at a dinner with acquaintances and non-filmi types, I’m mostly accosted by questions from the common man about Bollywood gossip. Honestly, I have no interest in it, nor do I want to know who is doing what or who. The second most commonly asked question is: ‘You are so lucky, na? You visit all such beautiful places with handsome heroes and sing at snow peaks with them! Sigh, only if they knew. At that time, on those snow-capped European peaks, was one of my loneliest times.

Beautiful locales, romantic weather — but you are alone. I remember an idealistic situation like this once — on the slopes of Switzerland. A romantically sensuous song being shot, sexy, flowing chiffon saree and the wind teasing and playing with my hair, the fragrance of blossoms in the air, my eyes and expressions giving the hero come-hither looks to the hero in the shot. I sensuously shut my eyes, the hero comes closer and closer and the camera zooms in on us. I open my eyes, the hero smiles into my face and my eyes focus on his smile with his breath on my face and OMG, there’s spinach stuck between his teeth!!!! Mentally, I’m focussed on not bursting out in wild rolling-in-the-grass laughter, while involuntarily, my body continues the shot in spasm-infected dance movements.

Many beautiful women ignore personal hygiene. And beautiful people putting others off with their underarm odour. I wonder if they’ve ever heard of antiperspirants. One of my heroes, whenever meets me, insists that I’ve been one of the best-scented heroines he’s ever worked with. Also mentioned it in a book written by his friend (Mushtaq Sheikh) and mine. I take it as a sweet compliment as I think it’s very important for people — men and women alike to be conscious of their hygiene and be kind to people around them.

To put the humour in this stinky situation, a Canadian library has put up a notice advising their smelly patrons to “take steps to control odour” and the letter also points to a free public shower and laundry facilities nearby. A New York dating agency, aptly called “smell dating” lets people make connections based solely on smell! You send them a dirty T-shirt and they send you the love of your life! Talk about love at first sniff!!

But these are still the privileged lot. Not so happy with the Mumbai summer’s smells are the ones who travel by bus and local trains! I remember travelling on locals and buses during my college and during my ad agency days! Especially if you aren’t endowed with height and are hanging onto the handles while travelling “standing” in our locals... The view of armpits of all size and shapes. Yuck!

Ok, I think I should stop now... I guess you all got the drift. Don’t say I didn’t warn you at the start! Summer is here in full force. Let’s stock up, yo! Long live antiperspirants!