I have spent the whole of last week being pulverised and pummeled by various doctors (they claim it was for my own good) and since I can’t really poke them back with injections galore, I thought I would poke them back with my satirical pen instead; by presenting a totally biased, subjective view on our beloved medicine men.
1 Doctors deliberately acquire bad handwriting skills: Can anyone really read a doctor’s prescription clearly? Is it possible that no one taught them the benefits of neat and clear handwriting while growing up? No! It’s a well thought-out scheme. Dear doctor can prescribe Lamictal in his terrible handwriting and if you collapse with a seizure, he can claim he had actually written Lamisil, a mere anti fungal.
2 Doctors are shorter in real life: When you meet your gynaecologist at a social party he will always look shorter, till you realise that the only other time you normally see him, is when you are lying flat on your back and he is looming over between your legs.
3 They have no mercy: They pretty much treat us mere mortals the same way they would a frog in their biology class. They poke us, prod us, cut us open, stitch us up and merrily whistle during the whole process.
4 Doctors have no sense of humour: The poker faced doctor walks in and declares that I have to immediately take two injections so I will have to bear a total of two pricks; when I crack up saying that I have seen quite a few pricks and two more won’t make a difference, he is still as poker faced.
5 Famous saying in medical school: The seniors apparently guide their juniors on how to cure a person by saying — if it’s wet, dry it. If it’s dry, wet it. For everything else give steroids.
6 They remember everything: I was going to be administered general anesthesia and to make it a bit lighthearted my doctor said, ‘Normally we tell our female patients to choose which hero they want to dream of Shah Rukh, Salman, Akshay, Aamir but since you have already chosen your hero just dream of him.’ My eyelids shut and I drifted into la la land but apparently I have woken up from anesthesia and in the operating theatre shouted out a few movie star names and hysterically declared that they are all too short! A mortifying experience that I have no memory of but my doctor has very kindly remembered to inform my entire family of the same.
7 They are smarter than all of us: I am a nerd when it comes to science. Give me a disease and I will come up with 20 research papers on it but unfortunately, even after all my brainstorming, the doctor always seems to be right. I hate it when my superiority complex gets a nasty jolt.
8 They are our lifesavers: After all my (good–natured) jibes at them I must finally confess the obvious; we should be grateful that they are willing to go through innumerable years of gruelling training to acquire their skills, that they are always willing and able to leap out of their beds at two am to rescue other human beings. We all think we have useful jobs; we manufacture, invest, distribute, entertain but what is greater than the ability to heal, to save a life and when all else fails, to be able to give someone’s loved one that little bit of borrowed time.