Road Rage writes Twinkle Khanna

Tuesday, 3 June 2014 - 6:10am IST | Place: Mumbai | Agency: DNA

The man of the house decided that my life would be incomplete without going to see a cricket match at Wankhede Stadium with our son, cousins and friends. Am I a cricket fan? Err…
Am I mother who will take a bullet for her son, will throw her self in front of a moving car to protect him and who will agree to watch a game that I don't understand, in a hot humid stadium for three hours just to see him smile? Yes, yes and unfortunately yes.

5.45 pm: The match starts at 8 pm and the man of the house is taking his film role as an army officer in Holiday rather seriously. He has become a bit militant and has almost made us march to the car two hours 15 minutes before the match.

6.00 pm: We are listening to good music, all the new top of the chart stuff that I can almost pretend I know the tune but am caught out whenever the kids ask me the name of the song.

6.15 pm: We have reached the highway. I am busy cracking jokes and I am rather pleased to say that I have succeeded in making our son laugh so hard that he has spewed water all over the seat. Normally I would reprimand him for this behaviour but I am letting it go right now because it once again proves to the man of the house that I am the funnier one in this marriage, a title that we both fight for desperately and which he ultimately wins by saying that the entire nation laughs at his onscreen antics and my one-liners are appreciated by a sum total of five people.

6.25 pm: Our good times have come to a screeching halt just like the traffic outside.

6.35 pm: We haven't moved an inch and with my body held captive by this horrific traffic jam and my mind full of road rage; I start to think about all the things one can do when stuck in Mumbai's terrible traffic.

1. Shout out bhanjans at motorbike riders and make them fall. A bhanjan at 500 decibels can be as unnerving to the opposite person as the choicest abuses but with this option the victim can't even say anything because you can always turn around and say, 'What did I say wrong? I just wished you Jai Mata Di. Go ahead! Call the police! Let's see what they say.'

2. Call your mother and have the 45 minute discussion that you have been dreading about how she expects you to be nicer to all your remaining relatives as now so many of the same bunch of relatives are dead.

3. FaceTime long distance friends and pretend that you don't know there is any time difference between Mumbai and Toronto.

4. Go on Facebook and post 23 pictures of your driver's right ear; hopefully some people will get the message and stop posting 200 selfies each and every day.

5. Since you are already in a murderous mood, channel it in a good way. Just look around you, there will be at least three people leaning out of their car and spitting on the road. Go up to them, spit on their face and say 'You spat on my mother so I will spit on you, Dharti meri maa hai'.

6. Finally get out of your vehicle, go near the exhaust pipe, take in a few deep breaths of carbon monoxide and pass out without a single worry, as your car will still be in the same place when you finally regain consciousness.

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