My son has all the ingredients to be an MP

Tuesday, 25 February 2014 - 6:00am IST Updated: Monday, 24 February 2014 - 6:20pm IST | Place: Mumbai | Agency: DNA

10 am: The man of the house is going to Pune for a shoot and has appointed our son as ‘safety officer’ in charge of looking after the baby and me.

1.30 pm: We are all watching the news together when we see our wonderful Parliament erupt in chaos and violence with our beloved Members of Parliament taking out pen knives and pepper sprays.

1.45 pm: Our son has been watching this very keenly and has now decided to take his position as ‘safety officer’ very seriously and in order to achieve his goals, he has found an old Swiss knife which was tucked away in the cupboard.

2 pm: The benefits of the Swiss knife have been discussed in depth and he has shown me detailed demonstrations of how it has a scissor, a nail file, a saw, a knife and a bottle opener.

2.30 pm: The much-abused sofa in our house has suffered a minor mishap when the scissor from the Swiss knife has gotten stuck in it, thereby not just tearing the fabric but also ripping the stuffing.

4 pm: The staff have come to complain that the damage already caused by the great Swiss knife experiment is leading to mounting deaths and injuries among household items.

1. Mosquito net ripped.

2. Sofa damaged as mentioned above.

3. Olive oil bottle broken.

4. Dog’s hair trimmed only near the right ear.

5. Our son’s hair trimmed only near his left ear.

6. The baby’s favourite doll fatally stabbed.

Not to forget our watchman who has been threatened with the ‘saw’ component of the magnificent Swiss implement to enforce that he does not let unknown visitors into our house.

I am totally dismayed and give him a piece of my mind by yelling, ‘There is no difference between you and Members of the Indian Parliament, all that’s left for you to do is to take a can of pepper spray and violently spray it on our neighbour’s face!’ Oops...

4.15 pm: Our son has now googled the above mentioned incident on YouTube and after again seeing how effective the pepper spray is when used by a particular MP, has decided to make his own version.

INGREDIENTS — Empty cleaning product spray bottle, water, lemon juice, 14 spoons of red chili powder and four spoons of salt.

4.50 pm: I have now confiscated all potential weapons from his arsenal.

5 pm: I am frantically begging the man of the house to talk to his son and remove him from his position as baby Ganpati standing outside Parvati’s house; if something happens to him, I don’t think I can find an elephant head in time to make him my little Punjabi Ganesha.

The man of the house has firmly denied any responsibility in this particular fiasco and has instead pointed out that if the highest members in our country can contribute to violence in the Parliament, then how can our son be blamed for the violence in our house.

After seeing the validity of his point and realising that in order to join the Parliament, you don’t need to be a graduate, or have any particular qualifications barring eligible age; I have decided that in exactly 14 years I will persuade our son to become an MP or an MLA but he really has to practise a few more parliamentary actions like breaking glass tables, snatching papers, smashing mikes, slapping Marshals and going shirtless to really fit in.

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