Making a clean breast of it, writes Twinkle Khanna

9 am: Coffee in hand, I am reading the papers trying to keep abreast of all the news I have missed out.

The first thing that catches my eye is a report about a group in Gujarat, the Parasana Charitable Trust who have conducted a lavish wedding where Poonam, the bride wore a beautiful red sari and Arjun the groom was dressed in a fetching white garment. Brahmin priests especially brought in from Ahmedabad conducted the wedding. The guests had a lavish spread laid out for them in the form of Gujarati dal and undhiyu and the entire wedding apparently cost eighteen lakhs. All well and good except for the fact that Arjun is a bull and Poonam is a cow! All I can say is that the milk of human kindness sometimes is rather difficult to digest. 

11 am: Attentively sitting at a meeting with the baby’s teacher, I am informed that she is a very challenging child because a few days ago she asked the teacher why is the sun round. When the teacher replied, ‘Because God made it so.’ The baby retorted, ‘That is silly answer Charu.’ And since then the baby refuses to call her ‘Charu teacher’ anymore and only refers to her by her first name! 

Can I confess that though I nodded solemnly and promised to look into it, secretly I wanted to give my budding Stephen Hawking a tight hug.

5 pm: Rubbing my eyes, I stumble out of the new Batman v Superman movie where both the superheroes throw lame punches and even lamer punch lines at each other. Lex Luthor also pops by like he is auditioning for Darr part 2 as he goes around twitching and whispering, ‘Kkkkk..Kryptonite!’ The other highlight of the movie is when Martha, Superman’s mom gets kidnapped and I swear I could hear her muttering, ’Mere bete aayenge, Zameen ki chaati phad ke aayenge, aasman ka seena cheer ke aayenge.’ 

Err.. Or was that from Karan Arjun? 

I can’t be certain because by then 14 brain cells out of the 23 that I possess, have simply exploded out of sheer boredom. 

8.30 pm: Watching the movie and spotting the wonderful Wonder Woman though does give me an idea for a little talk that I have to give at a breast cancer awareness event. As I quickly finish jotting down a few lines, the prodigal son saunters in and peeking over my shoulder, asks me to give him a mock presentation of my talk. 

I push my oily hair into a hasty bun and trying to look as poised as I can in my ratty kaftan, stand up and begin, ‘Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, a few years ago, in Mozambique, a breast cancer awareness campaign featured some of the mightiest female superheroes, such as Wonder Woman and Catwoman, checking their breasts for lumps and the campaign stated, “When we talk about breast cancer, there are no women or superwomen. We must fight the enemy together.”

A simple fact, because as we all know, cancer does not discriminate. 

In India, 15 % of all deaths are due to cancer. 70% of people with cancer are diagnosed in late stages and breast cancer has now become one of the most common cancers in urban India. 

We do not have a magic bullet that prevents breast cancer but we have tools that help detect it early and early detection is the key to beating this terrible disease. 

Monthly self-examinations, annual clinical exams and mammograms depending on age and family history are some of the weapons in our arsenal and I urge women to use them to the fullest.

It is ironical that men seem to spend a lot of time noticing women’s breasts; but for a woman, her breasts are often the last things on her mind. That is something we need to change as we spread breast health awareness. 

I have lost two members of my family to breast cancer and because of that I undergo a mammogram annually. I have a little girl at home and I hope that by the time she grows up, these are not the things that she will have to worry about. But as they say, hope is often the first step to finding a cure. So, I would like to end this by saying, I hope that all our tomorrows are better than our yesterdays. Thank you.’

The prodigal son frowns, ‘Mom it’s nice but a little dull, add some jokes like you always do, how about the one you tease dad with?’ 

At my perplexed expression, he continues, ‘You keep saying that when I was a baby and you were breastfeeding me, guests came to see you and dad told everyone to wait because you were milking! Add that joke! ‘ 

Well, Poonam darling, if I decide to make a clean breast of it, I must confess that it seems you are not the only cow bound by the strings of matrimony.