Maaaaaaaain... nahin bolunga! - Part 5, writes Sajid Khan

In Prakash Mehra’s 1976 superhit Hera Pheri, Amitabh Bachchan and Vinod Khanna con Asrani — a card cheater. When Asrani finds out he’s been conned, he shouts loudly in his inimitable style, “Now, this is the LIIIIIMMIT”.

Waise Asrani saab ka toh pata nahi, but I feel like saying this. I can’t believe the pressure people are putting on me to write more ‘Maaaain Nahi Bolunga’ columns. For those who came in late, I just want to say ‘Next time, don’t!’ Positively, this is the last time I’m writing about blind items because now, this is the liiimmit!

1. This small-time actor in the mid- ’90s was very popular with the ladies. Kehte hain when God takes away one sense, he makes you stronger with another sense. Since our man wasn’t bestowed with acting prowess, he was gifted in other places. He wasn’t particularly good-looking and he used to play character roles. But somehow, he was a charmer and started charming leading ladies, their female friends and besides charming, he also started charging. The word, just like his reputation, started spreading within the industry as well as the upper middle class, non-film circles. Apparently, he used to charge anywhere between `50,000 to a lakh, THEN! And if not money, then some bored housewife of a filmmaker would ensure he bagged a role. His reputation had become quite notorious among women. But he screwed it up. He ended up sleeping with the producer’s girlfriend, who was also a starlet. When the producer found out, he immediately kicked our man out of the film but the producer’s wife insisted the girl be kicked out. Picture this: Cheating husband is upset because the girl he’s cheating with, is cheating on him with a man who’s cheating with the cheating husband’s cheating wife. Waah, kya plot hai! Aise plot toh sirf Lonavla mein milte hai. So how did this jhamela end? He was thrown out, she was thrown out, the couple got divorced and the film became a superhit. Guilty gigolo kaun tha? Maaain nahi bolunga, main kyun bolu?

2. This famous filmmaker was known to be a perfectionist. So much so that he had anger management issues. Not a single day of shooting used to pass by when one of his assistants was not hit on the sets. He was shooting in the late ’80s in Goa with a superstar where the beach got crowded with thousands of people waiting to catch a glimpse of the star. Since shooting was happening at a snail’s place because of the crowd’s interference, our Gussa Chacha started screaming and abusing the crowd. ‘Gettttt outtt! You’re in my frame’. Seeing his anger, the superstar calmed him down and politely asked the crowd to move and they did. A couple of shots later, again they were in the frame. This time, Angry Uncle ran towards the crowd and started hitting a few of them. Automatically, the crowd, consisting of fans, became a rowdy mob and bashed up the director so badly that he had to be hospitalised. When he resumed shooting four days later, on the same location, he had police protection keeping him safe from the crowd.  Eventually, the scene was over and when they were packing up, somebody shouted from the crowd, ‘Uncle, last week ka maar yaad hai ki nahi?’  Hearing this, the angry filmmaker asked the cops to open fire at the crowd!!! When the inspector refused, he pushed him and the cop started hitting him. The crowd clapped while the director was slapped. Bolo bolo kaun hai woh? Maaain nahi bolunga, main kyun bolu?