Cause the Bible says so..., writes Twinkle Khanna

8.15 am: The doorbell rings and it’s my neighbour. She usually sends me random messages like ‘Your car parked 30 degrees outside parking spot’ or ‘Your son give recycling box to my house, I am happy with raddiwala and not take part in this scheme’. So, dreading a tedious lecture, I stand in the doorway and squeak, ‘Good morning Auntyji. Uh, just a second, there is something that looks like boiled egg stuck in your hair. Here, let me help you with that.’  

She brushes off my tissue-wielding hand and grunts, ‘Your dog barks loudly in morning time, my punditji also complained, disturbs him na, kindly do needful.’   Like what? Cut his tongue out, make a salami sandwich and send it over like a good neighbour?

I’m about to say this aloud when the prodigal son walks up and with an ingratiating smile says, ‘Yes, Auntyji, I will keep him in the front yard from now on and since you were unable to take part in the recycling project, can you please take part in a documentary I am doing on Islam for school. I will get the burqa that you have to wear and come to your house at 4 pm today with the green backdrop.’

Cornered by the prodigal son’s smarmy charm, she nods stiffly and quickly makes an exit before he can cajole her into a few more of his projects.

11 am: I am late for a meeting with a new client and as I am running down the stairs, the lady who lives on the second floor, bumps into me and engages me in a 15-minute conversation about the best way to make aloo bhaji, then she tells me a terrible joke about a vegetable. ‘Why was the tomato blushing?  He saw the salad dressing’.  

Running out of patience, I make up my own vegetable joke hoping to get rid of her.  ‘What has eyes but can’t see that someone is in a hurry?  An idiotic potato!’  She doesn’t get it and giggles! 

3 pm: Work, coffee, work, coffee, so on and so forth. 

6.45 pm: Home at last and taking rounds of the building garden in my perpetual ‘Lose the last 5 pounds ‘ mission, I see my elderly neighbour sitting on the grass and looking up at our building. He is not blinking and drool is running out of his mouth. Worried that he may have suffered an epileptic fit, I run towards him, only to discover that he is staring at the silhouette of an undressed neighbour who has forgotten to close her curtains. I decide to immediately warn my neighbour. I whip out my phone and to my horror, she starts coming even closer to the window and now can be seen, clearly, stark naked. The elderly uncle is on the verge of an excitement-induced brain haemorrhage and when she picks up the phone, I discover that this is partly my fault as her phone was lying on the window ledge and she has been fully exposed as she was trying to get to her phone, which has been ringing incessantly, due to, ‘Good Samaritan’ me. Yikes! 

7.30 pm: My doorbell rings frantically. It’s the elderly uncle’s son and he pants, ‘Come fast, your son has fallen off the cycle and he can’t get up.’ I run down the stairs and as I reach the bottom, I see two of my neighbours already lifting him up and bringing him home. Someone also runs and gets some ice and bandages. 

8.15 pm: Icing the prodigal son’s knee, I make plans to send baskets filled with candles to all my neighbours tomorrow, just to express my gratitude. This little mishap today has taught me that at the end of the day, it is rather nice to live in a community, having people living around you, looking out for you.

After all, even the Bible says ‘Love thy neighbour’. Just as I pen down the last name on my list, my phone pings and its a message from Auntyji, ‘My cook coming to your house to give your son’s burqa back. Your dog barking badly in front yard. Do needful or I tell BMC.’

All right, it is really hard to do this ‘Love thy neighbour’ bit. I wonder if even Jesus would have been able to follow this commandment if Auntyji was his padosan in Nazareth. But you know what? I am still going to give it a try, one candle-filled basket at a time.