1. Children's birthday parties: Do not come wearing obscenely short shorts and six inch Louboutin's only to flail helplessly in the grass when your shoes sink in, then have to clutch on to your child's nanny for balance and dear life. Mission to look out of this world has been achieved; you do look out of this world, you look as if you belong on Mars.
2. Meeting his parents: Advice I was given by well meaning friends: Wear a salwar kameez. Tell auntiji how much you love satsangs and how cooking is your favourite hobby and then I guess promptly proceed to the washroom and violently throw up as even you will not be able to stomach your own garbage. My advice? Don't do any of this. Can't spend a lifetime pretending to be someone else, after all it's not a beauty pageant where you can lie to your heart's content for one night and forget about it the next day.
3. Media event: Pose for pictures gracefully and stop claiming how you hate all this paparazzi when everyone knows you really thrive on it.
4. Weddings: Women please do not try to outshine the bride by covering every inch of your bare skin in obscene jewellery. Men please don't get plastered, fall off the dance floor and then have your poor wife push you around in a wheelchair for all the remaining functions.
5. House-warming party: Carry a gift; it's mandatory. Be careful where you place your glass to ensure that you don't drench your hostess or the couch with her own splendid red wine.
6. First date: Do not give him a rundown of your entire dating history. Do not go into details about mental imbalances and phobias and most importantly do not even think about sleeping with him today.
7. Funerals: Kindly restrain yourself from declaring how you really need a drink after this and in plain earshot of the deceased's family, make social plans to meet later this evening.
8. The cinema hall: Please experience the magic of movies every Friday. The man of the house and I plan movie nights once a week and feel like teenagers with our boxes of popcorn. Do not immediately hit people on the head in the row ahead of you even if you are severely tempted after hearing a three-minute mobile conversation about how their son loves aloo bhaji. Take a deep breath, count to 10 and then politely ask them to turn off their cell phone.
9.Parent-teacher meeting: Do come on time wearing a simple white shirt and jeans. Kindly leave all your silly logos, the interlinked CC and the glaring LV for some other mundane event. Listen to the teacher patiently and when she declares that your child has the attention span of a worm, do not protest that the poor teacher looks like a worm and that you will squash her under your size nine feet.
10. Lunch with ladies who lunch: Do not walk in wearing the same simple white shirt as mentioned above. This is the place to out- botox the terminally botoxed and outshine the blingy bimbettes. Errr... Only if you really want to belong to this club. My suggestion? Have coffee with two of your oldest friends instead who don't care what you wear only what you do.
The good part of getting older is to know what to do when. It is not about conforming to the norm but about living life with grace. Your looks may start to fade and your memory may begin to falter but grace is truly ageless.