Fake is the new real, says Sajid Khan

A few days ago, I bumped into a very old acquaintance who seemed to be in a tearing hurry to get somewhere. When I asked him the reason, he said he was going to meet Mr So-and-So because Mr So-and-So's dog passed away. As he had borrowed money from Mr So-and-So, he obviously had to offer his fake condolences.

I told him that he was misinformed. The dog was still alive but poor Mr So-and-So had died. Hearing this, he said, "Oh chalo, theek hain. I'll go back home." Shocked at his reaction, I asked him, "Arre, 10 seconds ago, you were going there to offer your condolences and now you are going back home?" Giving me a wry smile in Pran saab's style, he replied, "Kutta mara toh maalik ko fake emotion dikhane jaa raha tha. Now if the maalik is only dead, toh kya fake emotion kutte ko dikhaoon? I am going back home to watch an IPL match." Wah! What emotions…

In the film industry, when someone passes away, most of the people who attend the funeral are there not because they WANT to be there but because they HAVE to be there. Some are there because they genuinely care or are immediate family and some people are there just to see who's turned up! I'm certain most people will agree with that but perhaps not accept it. Because that would make them fake too!

Funeral se yaad aaya… This old, irritating granny neighbour of mine used to bump into me at weddings and tell me, "You're next; you're next." Till one day I bumped into her at her friend's funeral and told her, "Aunty, you're next." Oho… kitna purana joke hain, you're thinking. Oh like that huh? Here's a fresh one… I attended the same granny's birthday party last night but the fire brigade had to be called in. Obviously, there were so many candles on the cake that the ceiling caught fire!

Actually, it's not just about funerals. The same holds true for parties and functions too. 70 percent of guests come because they want to mark their attendance. 10 percent of people are there because they are the immediate family members of the party host and want to click selfies with the other 70 percent. 10 percent of people are there because they are the sponsors of the party and want to click selfies with the other 80 percent. And the final 10 percent are gatecrashers who will click selfies even with the valets. Nowadays, attendance at a funeral or a function is a must, not because you care but because you need your picture in the newspaper to show that you were there!

The one thing that's asli at both these places remain the emotions – fake.

As for me, I attend parties and functions very rarely for three reasons. One, I prefer being with a close-knit group of friends at home. Two, I can't be fake (except orgasmically, sometimes). And three, most of times, I don't get invited.