Does your better half snore in bed?

Tuesday, 4 March 2014 - 6:00am IST Updated: Monday, 3 March 2014 - 6:14pm IST | Place: Mumbai | Agency: dna

I am at The White Window (shameless plugs are allowed once in a while) and we are launching our new collection, when I notice that instead of dealing with customers, who will hopefully spend all their husband’s hard-earned money on my gorgeous silver-grey leather rugs, my sales girl is fast asleep on her desk. I tentatively wipe drool from the cash register and give her a sharp nudge. She yelps awake and then gives me her sorry tale, of being sleep-deprived due to her husband’s sonorous and torturous snoring. I sympathise with her and all the hundreds of other victims of this cruel punishment and decide to write a guide on what to do if your spouse snores.

Shake the offending spouse very violently and when he wakes up gasping ‘what.. uh.. what..’ just turn over and pretend to be fast asleep.

Keep a bowl of dry fruits handy and pass your night aiming peanuts at his nose. Each direct hit will give you five minutes of respite from the ongoing-continuous din.

Mix a laxative in his dinner, which will ensure that he is running to the toilet the whole night and doesn’t have time to snore.

Set your ceiling fan at full speed and hope that the white noise created, drowns out other offensive sounds.

At random intervals gently kick your spouse in a few different places.

Call your mother-in-law and bitterly complain about her son’s/ daughter’s snoring; thereby making sure that you are not the only sleep-deprived person in the entire family.

Practise meditation in order to prepare yourself to ignore any disturbances. Inhale slowly. Exhale slowly. Now just repeat the same sequence 28,800 times.

Use this extra time wisely and work on your presentation and spreadsheets to make up for falling asleep on your office desk on regular basis.

Do not pour water on him; do not pour water on him. Hmm.. It’s 2.30 am now, please pour water on him.

Remind yourself that this night will also eventually end.

Record the sounds and use the CD to scare children and frail old people.

File a police complaint citing domestic abuse. Sleep deprivation is an acknowledged method of torturing captured enemy soldiers.

Get your pepper shaker and gently sprinkle some pepper around her nasal passage. A violent sneezing fit may open up some congestion and allow you a few hours of calm dreamtime.

Carry your spouse to the garden, throw him in the fish pond and then convince him in the morning, that he has also started sleepwalking.

Look closely at your digital watch; as soon as it is 5 am, article 463 of the Indian Constitution gives you the right to smother him/her with a pillow.

Disclaimer — Some of these methods may work, some may not and some will send you straight to jail or worse. Please use the above guide at your own discretion.

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