Celebrity Column | Shirishly Speaking - Shirish Kunder is the agony uncle you never saw coming

Dear Shirish,

I’ve had the problem of sleep talking since childhood. But so far, it had been pretty much harmless. Worst-case scenario, my wife would know I didn’t like something she cooked for me. But recently, I’ve fallen in love with a girl from office. I love her so much that I speak to her even in my sleep. My wife heard it and asked me, “Who is Puja?” Luckily, she couldn’t understand the entire conversation. I told her that God came in my sleep and asked me to do a pooja for him. This time, she believed me and organised a pooja. But next time, I may say something romantic or sexual and will not be able to cover it up. I need to stop talking in my sleep. Doctor has given medications, but it’s not helping. Temporarily, I’m sleeping in the hall on the pretext of watching late-night TV. But I need a solution soon. Urgent!
—  Sleep Talker

Dear Sleep Talker,

Always refer to your spouse, girlfriends or boyfriends by the same name – like Baby, Sweetie, Darling or Jaanu. This will protect you from mix-up of names while sleeping next to them or sleeping with them.

Wife will kill me for  selling her jewellery
Dear Shirish,

I’m heavily addicted to gambling and am now in big trouble because of that. Over the past few months, I’ve lost a lot of money in gambling. I had to sell off all my wife’s jewellery to pay off my debt. Since my wife uses her jewellery only for special occasions, she hasn’t checked her locker yet. She, probably, is unaware of all her missing jewellery. But next week, it’s her brother’s wedding, for which she will surely want to wear her jewellery. She will kill me when she finds them all missing. I don’t want to die so soon. What should I do?
—  Addicted

Dear Addicted,

Spread some rumour about your wife’s brother and break his marriage. It will take him some time to find another girl. You can live until then.

No boy is willing to tolerate my tantrums!
Dear Shirish,

I come from a very rich family and am the only daughter of my parents. They have always pampered me a lot, tolerated all my tantrums, apologised to me even when it’s my mistake, and never said no to anything I asked for. But now, I’m facing a difficulty in all my relationships. None of the boys I’ve met so far are willing to tolerate my tantrums. When I break up with them and leave them, expecting them to woo me back, they just move on to other girls. Maybe I’ve met the wrong kind of guys. What kind of a guy should I go for?
— Princess

Dear Princess,

Go for a fat guy. Fat is the only thing that will chase you back no matter how many times you get rid of it.

Who are you to give advice?
Dear Shirish

You have blocked me on Twitter, so I’m asking you here. Who are you to give advice to people? What have you achieved? What are your qualifications? Are you a psychiatrist?
—  Deshbhakt

Dear Deshbhakt,

Who are you to question me? Are you the CBI?