Celebrity Column | Kang vs Logaan, writes Sajid Khan

Being an avid movie watcher, I usually call my manager friend at a multiplex and ask him ‘What’s playing in what screen and with what sound?’ This week he wasn’t available, but his number was re-routed to another staff member. 

When I asked him, what’s playing he said, ‘Buty An Bisht’. He said very good Disney film, for childrens and lady. Normally, I would have said thank you and moved on, but I wanted to find out how much time has passed since the good days of English were went. I tried speaking to him in Hindi, but he insisted on replying back in his version of English. I asked him ‘What’s playing in Screen 2?’ He said, ‘Trap Pedh’. Different thrill movies of one man one co-operative society. I started thinking to myself now that’s a new one, you can trap a sher, you can trap a rabbit, you can ever trap a person, but how do you trap a pedh? Maybe you can, if the pedh is like an exclusive restaurant which says we have no branches. Now like the very Benjamin’s Curious Button, I asked him for further the reviews of the movies the playing. 

He told me Screen 3 has ‘Kang Skill Islund’! I was like ‘Boss if you don’t want to show me a film, it’s okay, gaali kyun deta hain? He said it’s a very good film. On Skill Islund, Kang Chimpaanji attacks water autopuss from behind.

Hmmm. After hearing his one-line review of this action scene, I probably thought his title was justified. I asked him if Kang Chimpaanji was in Dolby Atmos sound. To which he replied, yes sir Screen 3 is filled with atmost. Like Oliver, even I wanted more of this guy’s Grade-A the English, the phunny language. What’s playing in Screen 4, I asked. He said, ‘Very good picture, Logaan’. And I started thinking to myself has Aamir Khan re-released Lagaan in Bengali? So I asked him again, ‘Aamir Khan’s Lagaan?’ He said no sir, ‘Marval Logaan’. Very good. Actions of Vulvarin. Now I didn’t even want to try decoding that word in my head. Don’t think I am making this up, because I am not. Every time I tried speaking to this guy in Hindi, he replied in his version of English. I have nothing against people who cannot speak English properly. Practice makes perfect, they say, I just wished till our manager-cum- reviewer didn’t get it perfect, he shouldn’t practise it on patrons.