Cann-ed: Red carpet ridiculousness

Call me stupid if you will, but for the longest time I didn’t know that Cannes was a film festival. No one mentioned it. Every major publication so rabidly covers what people on the red carpet are wearing that it surprised me that at the other end of the carpet is a theatre where people watch films. In my mind arose more serious questions such as why would anyone dress up so much in order to go sit in a dark room where no one can see them? Wouldn’t they be scared of staining these expensive designer outfits while enjoying the mandatory samosa and A-1 potato wafers while watching films?

This year, the Bollywood contingent showed up in full form at the world’s premier film festival. We are celebrating 100 years of Bollywood even though the term ‘Bollywood’ only came about in the 1970s. But let’s face it, headlines like “A centennial celebration of 40-or-so-years of Bollywood, but like 60 years of other films and stuff” would not sell as many copies of magazines.

Aishwarya Rai has often been deemed as a Cannes red carpet veteran. This makes it seem like the red carpet is actually a dug out trench where she has to dodge shots of the paparazzi cameras trained at her. I bet that would be a lot more fun than the eternal step, smile, namaste, step, smile, namaste, that she normally does for the cameras. It almost makes me sad that actors of other nationalities do not launch into welcome dances and greetings from their countries. Antonio Banderas, for example, is yet to do an ole while waving his hands with flourish for any Cannes photo.

Vidya Balan received a lot of flak for the lot of fabric that she wore on the carpet for her Cannes debut. Photographers were surprised when they spotted an actual person behind a big tangle of curtains with zari work that were her outfits. A fashion magazine editor actually remarked that Balan had done a ‘disservice to India and Indian women’ by dressing conservatively. I thought this was over-dramatic to be honest. I refuse to have my gender identity negatively defined by Vidya Balan’s clothes when I can do it through her films in a positive way.

Sonam Kapoor distinguished herself from the other Indian actresses at Cannes by wearing a nose ring so big, it was surprising her head didn’t slip through it and turn it into a necklace.

Amitabh Bachchan showed up for the photo call of his first Hollywood project in a white and blue striped suit that made him look like a classy deckhand from one of the lavish yacht parties that no doubt takes place at Cannes. I am yet to hear any media platform accuse him of promoting India as a country of water dwellers or something equally irrelevant.

All in all, the Cannes Festival was a great success for the fashion industry in India, I’m sure it was for our films as well, but really, I don’t know. No one mentioned it.

Aditi Mittal is a stand-up comedian, a sit-down philosopher and a lie-down snorer. She is also teacher, writer, actress and a good friend and available for children’s parties.