Band baj gayi, writes Sajid Khan

Aaj mere yaar ki shaadi hai, aaj mere yaar ki shaadi hai... so sang the late, great Mohd Rafi for a dancing-in-the-baaraat Shatrughan Sinha in the ’70s. The song had become a big hit and added to the culture of baaraatis not just dancing near the baaraat, but in the middle of the road causing massive traffic jams. I’ve been a Juhu resident all my life. Anybody who knows Juhu beach would vouch for the fact that most lanes are bottlenecks with traffic on Saturdays and Sundays, public holidays, Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. Upar se shaadi ka season. Toh suno, suno aaj ke ek aise traffic jam ki kahaani, baaraat ke traffic mein phanse hue Sajid Khan ki zubaani.

Toh hua yun ke, as usual, traffic was completely jammed in Juhu thanks to two-three baaraats. What I love about them are that there are always a few over-enthu baaraatis who are trying to control the traffic, so as to ensure orderly regular passage.  This baaraat was blocking the entire traffic of Juhu beach and the over-enthu uncles were also the cause of it. One was saying ‘halt’ and the other one was saying ‘pass’. The cars were moving in a single file at snail’s pace. The visibly embarrassed dulha on the ghodi was holding his seat rather than the reins. His outfit resembled a silver jubilee trophy of the ’70s. The poor horse was also decked up with outfits, designed by Calvin Clown. Ahead, 20-30 people were walk-dancing. Regular dancing is when you stand in a spot and dance, but walk-dancing is when you’re pretending to walk and dance at the same time. The truth is that you want to stand in your spot and dance, but the bigger truth is that you have to keep walking. Let me give you a picture. Imagine AK Hangal break-dancing. Some of the ladies had put on so much make-up and jewellery, that they couldn’t walk and dance properly. Now imagine AK Hangal getting tired while break dancing. Unke sone par suhaga time-to-time they were also clicking selfies with the dulha (who could have been anyone in place of the dulha because his face was hidden by 65,000 flowers). In front of the walk-dancers, there was the band. Now if you saw the band, you would have realised that they should have been banned. Let me give you a picture. Pick out the zombies from any season of The Walking Dead and dress them up as band members. The shehnai wala looked like an asthma patient, the dhol wala’s dhol was five times bigger than him. The banjo guy was getting upset with one of the Punjabi baaraati uncles who was shouting at him and telling him “Barabar bajaa, banjo, oh banjo” The only band-wala with massive attitude was the trumpet guy as he was busy blowing his own trumpet. None of the band-walas seemed happy or interested. We commuters were interested in this baaraat than the baaraatis themselves. An hour later, when my car finally passed through, there was a sense of relief. But that joy was short-lived as 200 metres ahead, there was another baaraat!

Now, who doesn’t love baaraats? We all do. Unless, we are stuck in the traffic. Each religion, class, community, has its own colourful culture and we must respect it. But in any happy procession, the only people who are happy are the ones in the procession. Not outside of it.