Celebrity Column | Shirishly Speaking: This week Shirish Kunder has best advice on desi relationships!

Pyaar Chahiye Ya Mutton Chahiye?

Dear Shirish,
I’m a pure vegetarian. I married a girl who is also a pure vegetarian by caste, but she had confessed that she loves mutton and eats out. Since she was very beautiful, I agreed to marry her on the condition that she will never have mutton again anywhere. But recently, I came to know that she has still been eating mutton secretly outside. Now she says she loves mutton and can’t live without it. I’m willing to forgive her one more time and have given her an ultimatum, “It’s the mutton or me. Make a choice.” But now I’m scared. What if she chooses mutton? It’ll be very embarrassing. Who do you think will she choose?
— Pure Veg

Dear Pure Veg,
Congratulations, you just set a new record. This is the first love triangle where a girl has to choose between a man and a goat. As for who will she choose — one can live without love, but not without food. Take a guess.

Achche Business

Dear Shirish,
I come from a family of businessmen, but today, in the madness of social media, business has become very tough. Instead of first coming to us with their complaints, customers straightaway complain about our products on social media for the smallest of things, and everyone believes it without even verifying the facts. We businessmen are completely at the mercy of the customer’s blackmails. I want to now diversify into another business, which is free from all these problems. Any suggestions?
— Harassed Businessman

Dear Harassed Businessman,
Start a religion. Or become a god-man. People only question what they can see, and blindly accept anything they can’t see. Be in the business of selling hope, not products. And your ‘achche din’ will come.

Depressed Doggie

Dear Shirish,
We recently adopted a dog. When we first saw the puppy, it was very lively and naughty. But ever since we brought it home, it always looks depressed. We have made the best kennel for it, bought the most expensive bed, and also feed the same food that we eat. My friends suggest that the dog may be depressed because we feed it vegetarian food. I don’t think so, since we provide really nutritious food. But do you think that can be the reason for our dog’s depression?
— Ami

Dear Ami,
No life is worse than that of a dog in a vegetarian household. Of course, with time, it may get used to it. But will never really be happy. So, I suggest, please stop behaving like the government, and don’t stop others from eating what they love, just because you don’t eat it.

Is she with me for love or my superiority and money?

Dear Shirish,
I’m a proud Hindu Brahmin and come from a very rich family. Every time I have a girlfriend, my father puts doubt in my mind that the girl doesn’t really love me, but is with me only because of our superiority and money. Then I’ve to dump her and go for a new girlfriend. But this time, I’ve got a very beautiful girlfriend. I don’t want to leave her, as I may not get anyone better than her. How do I find out if she actually loves me or is with me only for our superiority and money?
— Rich Brahmin

Dear Rich Brahmin,
Tell her you’re a right-winger. If she leaves you, it means she was with you only for your intelligence and not for your superiority or money.

Will Sanskrit be useful?

Dear Shirish,
My son just told me that Sanskrit has been made a compulsory language in his school. While I was in school, my mother had forced me to opt for Sanskrit instead of French, and I still remember how much time I had spent in memorising all those difficult shlokas of the ancient language, which I’ve never used even once in my life. And now, the schools are making Sanskrit compulsory; it’s not even an option. If the kids learn some existing language like Spanish, at least they can communicate with half the world. What use will an obsolete language like Sanskrit be in the future?
— Rajesh

Dear Rajesh,
Sanskrit will be very useful in the future. When the time machine is invented, and we travel back to ancient times, we will need Sanskrit to communicate with our ancestors.

Toilet: Ek Prem Katha

Dear Shirish,
I recently had an arranged marriage and brought my wife home. But ever since she’s come home, she’s been complaining of the Indian toilet in our house. She says she’s used to a Western toilet since childhood, and cannot adapt to this. Since she’s acting too high-flying because of her education, I tried to explain to her that even science says that Indian toilets are better than Western. But she just refuses to understand, and has now stopped eating completely, so she does not have to go to our Indian toilet. I don’t care whether she eats or not, but I cannot tolerate her disrespecting our Indian culture. Should I divorce her?
— Indian Husband

Dear Indian Husband,
Sorry, I cannot answer your question in the current form. You’ve sent your question via email, which is not Indian culture. Send it with a pigeon, and I’ll answer.