Celebrity Column: 'Hero's no 1!' writes Sajid Khan

I could have very well called today’s article Main Nahi Bolunga: Part 12. But sachchai yeh hai that today’s Main Nahi Bolunga is so strange and bizarre ke mera mann nahi karta ki bolu. But since it’s also the truth, here we go…

This star of the ’60s was a very well known flirt within the film industry. His style was to send one dozen roses every day, matching the heroine’s outfit’s colour. Little did he know that his frivolous affairs with his co-stars would turn serious when he fell in love with this beautiful heroine, who was popular for her village girl roles. So much so that he promised her marriage and would divorce his wife and leave his kids for her.

The whole film industry knew about their affair, but spoke in hush-hush tones. The heroine knew that the whole world was looking at her as the other woman. In her frustration, she started drinking every day. After three years, when the star refused to leave his wife for her, she called it off and told him, “Now, I will show you what it feels to see someone you love being touched by someone else.”

That night, she secretly called this good-looking villain to her apartment. This villain had a reputation of being a great lover. They chit-chatted for five minutes, had a drink and then got down to business. Mid-coitus, her doorbell rang and when she saw through the peep hole, it was her star boyfriend. She panicked and hid her lover nanga-punga in her bedroom closet. She quickly wore a nightie and opened the door for the star. He entered her bedroom and fell on his knees begging her to take him back.

He started howling and crying like a newborn baby. She told him, it’s over and that she’s moved on. Mentally! Hearing this, he started bawling even louder. All this is happening while our man — naked lover — is peeping through the closet and watching everything.

An hour passed by, she’s trying her level best to send the crying star home. He’s insisting on staying over at night while nanga punga is dying to go to the bathroom. Nature ki baat hai — from almost two hours, he is in her closet of expensive shoes and clothes, sitting in a yoga position, dying to urinate. After a while, he couldn’t take it. Sabr ka baandh toot gaya and he urinated all over the closet. After three hours, the hero finally went home and she hurriedly opened the closet only to see her expensive clothes and shoes filled with piss.

She started abusing the nanga villain, who in return, abused her. Then, their verbal commotion got so loud that the drunk hero heard it from outside the house and knocked on the door again. This time, the nanga villain cleverly picked up his clothes and hid inside the kitchen. The moment she took the hero inside her bedroom, our man, with his clothes and shoes in hands, exited the house quietly.

When he started wearing his clothes in the corridor, the Nepali watchman started shouting ‘Nanga sor’, ‘nanga sor’ and ran behind him to hit him with a danda. The mid-dressed villain stopped the watchman and told him who he was.

The watchman recognised him and told him, “Saab aapko film mein bohut baar nanga dekha, aaj real main bhi dekh liya.’ Bolo, bolo, bolo Kaun Hai woh teen?