G Sampath

When I was a little boy, my dad always told me, "Beta, when you grow up, work hard, earn a good name in your company, and become a model employee. Then only you will do well in life." Of course, this was before the era of cost-cutting, and he never imagined that a year of hard toil could be rewarded with a pay cut and an exhortation to work even harder because half your co-workers have been downsized.

But somehow I internalised my dad's advice, and have spent all my working life trying to figure out how to be a model employee. After years of research, first hand observation, and several interviews with HR managers, CMDs and CEOs, I managed to identify ten qualities that mark out the model employee. I list them below for the edification of dedicated employees all over the world who are dying to know how they can sacrifice their lives for their company in a more value-added manner. Here goes:

1. The model employee never falls sick. Nor do the model employee's husband, wife, ageing parents, children or pets ever fallill or sustain injuries that need medical attention. The model employeeand his family members never indulge in any of the activities that canresult in illness or injury, such as breathing, walking outside the safeenvirons of the office, etc.
2. The model employee never takes leave. You mightimagine this follows from 1, except that this includes never taking leaveeven when you are not sick. The model employee doesn't have to receiverelatives at the airport, pay kids' school fees, or go on holiday. If he goeson holiday, it is only in order to better fulfill the company's missionstatement and facilitate the realisation of the company's visionstatement, which is the mission statement rewritten for the visually challenged(see 6 below).
3. The model employee never, ever, asks for a raise.
4. The model employee will come to the office atleast 24 hours before he is required to punch in, and goes home only whenit is neither day, nor night, nor twilight nor dawn. Co-workers who areordinary mortals will not be able to catch him either arriving or leavingthe office, so they often mistake him for a part of office furniture,which he usually is.
5. The model employee usually has two keysubordinates reporting to him: his chair, and his computer. Neither iseasy to work with, but the model employee doesn't complain when his chairgives him severe back pain, and remains calm when his computer snubs himand starts reporting to the virus.
6. The model employee can parrot out the company'smission statement in his sleep. Can you? It is easy. No matter whichcompany you're working for, it's the same: "To maximize customer delightby optimizing the value-added utilization of available resources throughtotal quality management reinforced by exclusive focus on growth andprofitability facilitated by brand innovation in order to positivelyimpact shareholder orgasm." Memorise it right now.
7. Sometimes, a company may officially be goingthrough a tough phase even though actually it may be doing quite well. Orvice versa. This could happen when there is a recession, even thoughofficially there may be no recession. In these circumstances, a moderatelygood employee will only volunteer to be downsized for the greater good ofthe company. But a model employee will offer to resign and work for free(preferably from home so as not to impinge on scarce company resources)till the company tides over the tough period, which never lasts longerthan the years of service left before you retire.
8. The model employee is a team player. No matter howhard he works, the credit for his work goes to somebody else. It can't goto him because if it does, he will get individual recognition, in whichcase he will become a star and cease to be a team player.
9. During performance appraisals, the model employeecomes up with the best reasons for justifying his low salary, such as, "Icould not single-handedly save the company from incurring losses due tothe bizarre business strategies thought up by the aliens who have capturedthe brain cells of top management."
10. The model employee dies the day he is due toretire. If he dies earlier, due to an accident or sudden illness, he doesso after serving a three month notice period.

(A version of this piece appeared in print as my 'Third Degree' column in the July 9 edition of DNA.)