G Sampath

I can't take it anymore — I can't. No matter which way I turn, there's no escaping Ajay Devgan's breasts. I happen to live close to a multiplex, which has chosen to pay homage to them in the form of a Godzilla-size cut-out of the man and I can't go out or return home without being scowled at every time by a half-naked Bajirao Singham.

The scowl itself would have been more effective had the scowler been fully clothed. But as it happens, I am too distracted by Ajay Devgan's bare, hairless, dark brown breasts with their darker brown areolas topped off by smart, erect, well-rounded nipples that look like bonsai cherries.

Today morning, while passing by that multiplex, I was discussing Devgan's nipples with my friend when she interrupted me, saying he had no business exposing his nipples like that in public.

"Why?" I hit back. "What's wrong in a man exposing his nipples? He is a man, after all, not a woman. Besides, his nipples are manly. Look closely!"

"Chee!" she said, covering her eyes, even though by then she had already seen what there was to see. 'I think all nipples — be it a man's or a woman's — should always be covered."

"You are sounding like the Taliban," I said. "If you don't want to see a man's nipples, nobody is forcing you to. But you don't have any right to take away Ajay Devgan's right to exhibit his nipples to the world. This is about right to freedom of expression."

She had no answer to that, and I knew I had won the argument, as I always do. But I digress — the debate here is not about Devgan's nipples as about his breasts themselves. I mean, look at them — do they look like pecs from any angle? In fact, do they have any angles at all in the first place?Traditionally, a man's pecs are supposed to be hard, angular, and yes, chiseled. Look at Brad Pitt. Or, for that matter, Chris Hemsworth, who played Thor.

But Devgan's assets look like compressed idlis dipped in turpentine. They are what you'd get if a Sumo wrestler sat on Halle Berry's chest. Or if Beyonce went for a breast reduction surgery and the surgeon goofed up.

Considering that his chest is more evocative of feminine contours than masculine brawn — its desert-like, utter hairlessness is not helping his cause one bit — I wonder why Singham's costume director didn't make Devgan wear a bra, so that, you know, people like my friend don't get offended. Besides, what better way to balance out the Type A personality of an ultra macho cop character than a pink (or maybe black) lace bra to ward off the evil eye from those nipples.

As for the film itself, I admit I haven't seen it yet. But I did see the promo once and I must confess I was stumped by it. The trailer ends with Ajay Devgan saying something that sounded like, "Jisme hai dum to f**k the Bajirao Sinhgam." What does this mean? Assuming that the guy with 'dum' in this context is Singham, is he telling himself to go f**k himself? I am dying to know what has made him so angry, so angry that he is ready to contemplate such extreme measures. I hope its not those breasts — after all, they are his own. Or maybe I am missing something here. Guess the only way to find out is to watch the film. Clever trailer.