Other side of conflict:Divorced men too crave for their kids

Vimal (name changed), a city-based doctor and a divorcee, does not know how his son—who lives with his mother since the couple separated—looks like. He sends child-support payment regularly to his ex-wife, this being his only connection with his son, whom he had last seen seven years ago, as a three-year-old.

“People in India use (the term) ‘single parent’ only when they are talking about the mother, but never the father. We talk about empowerment and equality, but we don’t really see it when a father is not allowed to see his own child and kept away from his son by the system. My son is 10 years old, but honestly I don’t even know how he looks like. A husband and a wife can divorce and fight, but why is our system cheating the children!” he asks.

Vimal is among those campaigning via Children’s Rights Initiative For Shared Parenting (CRISP) for bringing the concept of joint custody to India.

Kumar V Jahgirdar—ex-husband of former cricketer Anil Kumble’s wife—of CRISP points out that Children’s Day is an ideal time to talk about issues such as joint custody and parental involvement in the lives of children who come from broken families.

“There are times when the father gets the sole custody of the child, but that rarely ever happens. Then the mother is kept away from her children. By default, what happens in our system is that children are placed with one parent, usually the mother, and the father gets to see his children for perhaps one hour a week or two hours in a fortnight. The children are punished for no fault of theirs and that is why the concept of shared parenting, which is prevalent in Western countries, should be brought to India. Children should see their parents working together even after a divorce, coming to PTA meetings and other things. They can spend the week with one parent and weekends with another,” he says.

Jahgirdar says 40% of India’s population comprises children, adding that the divorce rate in the country has now reached 30%. “We cannot let the children down,” he underlines. He suggests that a separate Union for Children should be set up and it should be delinked from the present women and child development ministry.

Akash, who has been separated for the last eight years, says he would like to be more involved with his daughter’s life but does the best with what has been dealt to him. “When she was in a creche, I used to go take her out for ice cream and now that she is in school, I do the same thing. But she is not allowed to be a part of my family, my parents, and my elder brother. She has no relation with her cousins. She has no grandmother from her mother’s side and because of my being separated from her mother, she has no link with my mother too. She has no idea about her heritage,” he rues.

However, even those campaigning do not have high hopes for the future. Vimal believes that he has lost his son forever. “I don’t just want to get to know him when he is 18 and he seeks me out. I wanted to be there to change his diapers and wash him and be a part of his life. That part of his life... The judiciary can never give me back my son. But hopefully when he gets married one day, and—God forbid—he has to get divorced, my efforts can ensure he gets to be a parent even if he is not a husband,” he said.