Arnab Ray: An interview with 'Agneepath''s Kancha Cheena

Interviewer: We are fortunate to have with us today the elusive Kancha Cheena, much-loved villain from Agneepath. Sir, first of all, it is great to see you doing so well after all these years.

Kancha Cheena:  It is a good time for villains now in India. The days of getting beaten black and blue by heroes in the front of the camera for a few rupees is long gone. I remember back in the ’90s, one would have to go through so much hassle to seize the land of the poor.

In Agneepath, if you remember, I had to set-up the school master, deal with his avenging son —all just to get control over the small coastal village of Mandawa. Such lafda I tell you. Now the government would have just designated that place as an SEZ and bingo the deed would be done. Why just land?

Today there is a fortune to be made in the air buying bandwidth. And if nothing else works, one can always become a motivational speaker for top management types like Dr Dang has with his “Karma is a bitch” program.

Interviewer: Sir, I am sure you have heard that Karan Johar is remaking Agneepath with Hrithik Roshan in the lead. Some fans of the movie believe that classics should be left alone. Your opinion?”

Kancha Cheena:  In general, I love remakes of great movies—for instance I thought Ram Gopal Varma Ki Aag was better than the original. And I am anticipating Mr Johar’s remake will similarly transcend its source.

First of all, I am glad Hrithik is doing Vijay Dinanath Chauhan. I hope he does it in the same politely chocolate way he did Main Prem Ki Deewani Hoon.

That person who played Vijay Dinanth Chauhan in the original, a certain Mr Amitabh Bachchan, was just too overwhelmingly powerful for my liking . His enemies would pump a belly full of lead into him and yet he would just keep walking, sprouting thunderous dialogs. This new Vijay Dinanath Chauhan, I can get away by just hurting his feelings.

I am also glad that they got rid of that Krishnan Iyer MA fellow played by Mithunda in the original. I just shudder to think what would happen to the cool multiplex dudes and dudettes, the ones who think Zindagi Na Milegi Do Maara to be a life-affirming modern classic, if they see a nariyal paani wala doing a “lungi uthaake tumhe disco dikhaati” just when they are about to bite into a nacho. Possibly puke all over their threads. That character was just too single-screen, I say.

Sanjay Dutt playing me is also great news. The intimate knowledge of the criminal justice system that he will bring to the table will make the character all the more believable.

Bole toh… Jaadoo ki jhappi only and no more “Maut ke saath appointment”

Finally I am very happy that Karan Johar is helming this project. I expect he will bring to Agneepath the cuteness of Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, the emotional lovie-lovie-ness of Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham, the maturity of Kabhi Alvida Na Kehnaa and the brilliant socio-political complexity of My Name Is Khan.

I have always believed that  a “Waada karo na please” positive vibe would be much more appealing than the depressingly nihilistic “Kar shapath Agneepath Agneepath” atmosphere of the original.

I also….[Kancha Cheena’s cellphone rings a “Keh do na keh do na you are my Sonia” ring-tone]

Wait, let me get this call. [Smiling at the interviewer] Eh sala idhar cellphone ki ghanti bahoot baajti hai. Sahi cheez banaya cellphone. Astrology updates and Vastu tips..only Re 1 a day…..

Kancha Cheena [speaking into his cell]: What? Our entire consignment of friendship bands got seized? WHAT? Even the heart-shaped red balloons? I swear when I catch hold of….
[Turning round angrily to the interviewer] : Eh… you still sitting here? Chal hat. Interview khatam…

Arnab Ray is the author of the best-selling May I Hebb Your Attention Pliss