Column

Dear Grim Reaper,

I see you are having a busy year, but I have a few grievances that need to be urgently addressed. For one, you have taken away many men I admired — friends, allies, members of the axis of evil (as we have fondly been named). The world, you’d perhaps agree, seems a little less colourful.

Okay, I may not really get along with his jehad-loving kind but did you really need to summon Osama bin Laden? We badly needed someone who could inspire dread in the West. It made little sense to dismiss the face of evil without looking for a suitable replacement, and a world without Osama is a bit like a Harry Potter novel without Voldermort — you know it will have to end soon. Rumour has it that Osama wanted out. Or so my friends in the Hezbollah tell me. He yearned for a mansion in the middle of nowhere (Abbotabad was perfect) where he could make videos in peace. A noble intention, right?

But you perhaps wouldn’t agree, seeing that you have usurped the only other suitable incarnation of evil. The crazy afro, female bodyguards, a fashionable uniform for every occasion — my man from Libya, Muammar Gaddafi, would have been perfect for the job of resident Lucifer. He could have done an Idi Amin and lived out his days in Burkina Faso or perhaps Syria (I could really use his help right now).

Another man who I admired from a distance was Kim Jong-Il. Just a few days ago I had written to him. I was hoping to exchange notes. I have had wet dreams about discussing propaganda with the perm-sporting, fashionable jumpsuit and sunglass-donning Dear Leader. And all this while he nursed that glass of neat cognac. He was clearly made of superior stuff. It is one thing to brainwash people but it requires some class to make them love you and turn a blind eye to their own predicament. I am still in mourning.

The last man I miss and importantly missed not knowing is a fellow Syrian. If by some twist of fate his father would have brought him to Syria, he would be writing this letter instead of me, I have no doubt about that. I really admired Steve Jobs, for he worked within the framework of tough western laws but was really just one of us, the axis of evil. Shocked, are you? But the signs were always so clear. He had a bitten apple as his logo and was quite the devil too, tempting all of humanity with his pretty devices. You were enslaved the minute you gave in. The Apple co-founder asked his staff to “make general purpose computers with digital handcuffs more controlling and unjust than ever before”. And this was the spirit followed for all other Apple devices. His work lives on, indeed. Jobs really was quite something. Sniff.
You have made this year a terribly cruel one. My tribe is near extinct. And now they’re saying I’m next. To conclude, you’ll have to riddle me this — when conflict perishes can the earth be far behind?

Regards,

(As imagined by Aditi Mallya)