To praise or not to praise your children, that is the question

As a teenager, I sensed that there were two kinds of parents in the world: a small handful who lavished praise on their kids; and the large majority of parents, like mine, who handed it out in positively homoeopathic doses. Not because they were harsh, but just because that’s how they rolled. Words never came cheap to them.

Nowadays if our kids so much as fasten a safety pin right, out come the phone cameras. Back then if you excelled at something, if say, you were given a presidential medal, you got praised a little bit, as too much praise would just spoil you. If you were average, there was mostly no praise at all. ‘A for Effort’, that Western concept, was definitely not the cultural-import-du-jour.

I suspect that we, as parents, have crossed right over now. And as with all things parenting, this is fad-driven too. The American pop-psychological trend, till a few years back, was to reward every poop and burp with a ‘Good job!’ Being Indian, however, we don’t give away stuff for free, and insist our kids ‘earn’ our praise. But we do it a little differently now – in our neck of the woods at least. We send the child from class to expensive class to ‘enrich’ it. And then, as a guilty offering perhaps, over-praise it.

The tide, however, has turned in parenting theories (as it does every few years). Now parents are warned against over-praising children. If you praise every little thing your child does, they say, it could become a praise-junkie and refuse to attempt things it cannot be praised for immediately. So were our reticent parents right after all? I see the point, but I’m not sure either way anymore, and refuse to believe that raising kids can be based on generalised rules.

It has to be an instinctive journey, one where you lay the path as you go, depending on the sort of people you and your children are. To me the challenge with parental support and positivity is finding out what will encourage your child to try new things, learn a few structured things, and yet not feel pressured into doing so. Really knowing and understanding our children — and recognising the danger of some of our ambitions — is the tough part.

With my child, I know a little praise works to begin with, and then, as the task unfolds — anything from art to maths to cooking — it’s ok to make suggestions. But if I claim expertise, things quickly dissolve into creative hissy-fits. Not surprisingly, learning of all kinds is optimal when I’m not around (so home-schooling is definitely ruled out for us!). My nephew, on the other hand, loves challenges but needs his space. Give him a task and he’ll find his path — slowly. When they are together, trying out new stuff, I start to respect the parents of twins a lot more!

It isn’t always possible — or necessary — to be a cheerleader-parent; and it’s stupid to be a drill-sergeant too. The best we can do, I think, is become safe zones for our kids. To encourage them to try new things — origami, swimming or maths — and not judge their efforts; to be firm about a little structured learning; and to be sensitive to their changing needs and desires. Sometimes learning with the child gives you a better perspective on the challenges involved. 

As adults we know that hard work brings the sort of results which kids enjoy; and that everything — from a sport to an instrument — needs focus and determined practice. Which is something most kids don’t get. How to strike the balance and not become a Tiger Mom – or one of those super-indulgent parents? I guess that’s just one of the 36 million lessons we’ll have to learn on the job – and one more thing our kids will have fun being bitter about when they grow up. The ingrates!

Anita Vachharajani writes children’s books and is constantly trying to Switch Off Something