The seven states of motherhood

I am sure all of you agree that parenting — or should I say mothering — entails a whirligig of emotions. It is a rollercoaster, which once you get on, you cannot — or do not — want to get off. A multitude of emotions put us through the ringer — listed here, from my experiences, are seven that are most prevalent.

Love: It is an unconditional, unbounded emotion from the moment the baby is born — a love that has begun to take form from the time you are expecting. And even though both my babies were born through C-sections, and I was still reeling under the effect of the anaesthesia, the flush of affection that coloured my mind when I first saw them has only intensified with years.

Fear: Right now, as I sympathetically watch young mothers fret about the pain their children may face when they are being given a vaccine, I recall how fear or worry is another dominant emotion that comes with the territory of parenthood. When Aakanksha was a two-day old baby, I sat on the edge of the couch watching her sleep. That day she slept for a good six hours without demanding a feed. Irrationally, I got up to check whether she was breathing or not. Today, years later, that memory makes me laugh. When working women step out of their homes, they worry. The nature and degree of the worry changes as the kids grow up. After vaccines comes the natural fear when a child steps out of the nest to explore the world outside. Will he/she cope? I worry — and I am sure most of you have your own fears too.

Hope: It springs eternal in a mother’s breast. Hope that my child’s todays and tomorrows will be perfect. That he/she will have the life he/she deserves, learning from past mistakes. It is also the hope that I as a mother do not let them down when they need me the most.

Trust: Without trust, no relationship can survive, and this is true even in the case of your child. You have to trust each other. So, be as honest as you can with your child — when you are laying down rules, boundaries or explaining things. If a child is old enough to ask a question, chances are he/she is old enough to get the correct answer. And, so what if your child has lied to you once?

That does not make him/her a congenital liar. Do not, as the truism goes, give a dog a bad name and hang him. Tell him you are hurt by his lie but continue to trust him/her — and let him/her realise that you do. Chances are he/she will live up to your trust.

Expectation: That is a difficult cross to bear and one that we should never thrust down our kids’ throats. As Kahlil Gibran wrote, “Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts.” Remember Farhan in 3 Idiots? I may want my child to come up tops, but that can only happen if as a parent I have realised his/her potential correctly. A task I am still trying to perfect.

Guilt: I have not committed any crime nor have I neglected my children, but guilt rears its ugly head ever so often. The list of ‘Ifs and if onlys’ continues to get longer. If only I could have sat at home during his exams, if only I had listened to her when she was a kid. Finally, after so many years, I have learnt to tell myself that I did — and I am doing — the best that I can. And I have tried to make them learn that they are responsible for the consequences of their own actions and Mom is not to be blamed for all that goes wrong with their world.

Anger: It is an instinctive reaction that surfaces time and again. Many a pencil and ruler have I hurled to the floor at seeing a messy room, incomplete assignments or when the kids come home way beyond their deadlines. And then only too late I remembered what my dad used to say when my kids were small: “Just imagine the sight. Of a parent towering over a child, booming out and imagine how your child must feel.” (By the way, they now tower over me.) I completely spared the rod and kept hoping that I have not spoilt the kids. Something that only time will tell in its own course.