Of unsolicited, prying counsel and shrinking personal space

“You don’t look married” is a line that I have heard from people a few thousand times now, if not more. And then other questions follow. How long have you been married? How many kids do you have? That is where it all begins.

“How many” leads to “why nots”, followed by unsolicited pieces of advice and suggestions by family and strangers alike. Some people also suggest visiting a gynaecologist in case I had any problem. Yes!

More than three years into marriage, and I still haven’t figured out how to respond to such questions.

First, I don’t know exactly how married women “look” like. It is still a mystery to me. What changes do people expect in a woman after just a few days or months of her marriage?

Second, delivering a baby is too personal a choice to be talked about by one and all. Even my mother, I believe, should not ask me about when do I plan to “bless” her with the much-awaited grandchild.

I still have to prepare myself mentally every time I go back to my home in Kashmir for the barrage of queries about why I haven’t conceived yet. Apparently, conceiving and delivering a baby is not a personal choice in our part of the world. It is everybody’s business.

Few months into a marriage and people, mostly women, have to know when exactly is a baby being delivered. For them, It is akin to a job, and one that they take quite seriously. Their interrogation starts with normal questions and moves on to annoying interferences. And it never ends.

From family to friends, neighbours to cousins, strangers to prying aunties, everybody is eagerly waiting for the baby. At home, family functions, parties, events, or the office - I have been asked this question countless times.

From showing concern to blackmailing me emotionally, everything has been tried on me. From random people being advisors to having pity on me for not having a baby; from being told about the consequences of delaying the pregnancy because my biological clock is ticking to how a baby would bring in more respect and love, and add a “new meaning” to my life - I have heard it all.

In fact, so many people have told me they have their own reasons for their desire to see me as a mother, it’s better to list them:

• My mother wants me to deliver a baby because she thinks she is getting old and won’t be able to take care of it with the same energy that she has right now.
   
• My mother-in-law wants a baby so that the family name is alive and kicking, and they get to play with the baby.
   
• My aunts want it because a baby is mandatory after marriage and a woman doesn’t look good enough without it.
   
• My neighbours and other prying “aunties” want it so that they can have yet another topic to discuss in their happening lives.
   
• My married friends want me to conceive because they all have one baby each, at least. They think I am the odd one out here.
   
• My married cousins want me to have a baby as they think it increases the love between married couples.
   
• Last, but never the least, my dear sister wants a niece or nephew only because she is tired of answering people who ask: ‘Saami ma chu kihn? (Is Saami expecting?)”

From being accused of being too career-oriented to suggesting visiting infertility clinics, I have spent the last three years of my marriage responding to this silliness with even-bigger and sillier smiles. It may not be a big deal for random and not-so-random folks asking these questions, but for the woman at the receiving end, it surely is. I don’t owe an explanation to anyone. I sure do like babies but, maybe, I am not ready for my own yet.

While I am asked this question by almost everybody everywhere, my husband must have been asked the same thing maybe once or twice. And only by his mother. I haven’t met anybody, till date, other than my mother-in-law who has asked him the same. Why isn’t he also bombarded with the baby questions? Why doesn’t he have to go through the same torture that I deal with on everyday basis? Well, we know why.

The torture is not only for me but for my entire family as well. Relatives and neighbours who must not have seen me in years also want to remain updated on my family plans. That is why I get phone calls from both - my mother and mother-in-law saying some random aunty, who I would have no clue about, was asking when would they be becoming grandmothers. Recently, I also got to know that some people actually have a calendar about married people and then they compare me with couples who got married around the same time as me and then question my mother and mother-in-law giving their reference who already have babies, one at least.  

So, whether you are a family member or a close friend, a stranger or a nosy neighbour, to your question as to when a living being is going to plop out of my womb, here’s the short answer: it is none of your business.

Next topic, please. How about triple talaq?