Dangals in families: the slave-driving parent

I have mixed feelings about ‘Dangal’. The film is well made but its protagonist, Mahavir Singh Phogat, does not evoke pure admiration. Phogat is an exceptionally spunky man who flung social approval and appropriateness out of the window to pursue his wild dream. However, I just feel uncomfortable about the way it was achieved. As the story unfolds, you watch a father knock childhood out of his children’s lives. He slaps a punishing schedule on his unwilling girls, denies them the fun and foods that go with the whole idea of being young; they can’t even grow their hair. He slave-drives them. Geeta Phogat has said her father was stricter than Aamir Khan’s projection in the film.

In their impressionable ages, the Phogat girls are sneered at and ridiculed. In every way, their lives are anything but normal. Not too many girls of their age are yanked into such an unidimensional life devoid of colour, or given an antithetical upbringing to the point of social exclusion. A life of denial and social disapproval are a deadly combination that can have a lasting impact on tender minds. It could well be argued that the father did all this for the good of the girls. After all, look where it landed them. It can also be argued that disciplining children at an early age is crucial to moulding their personality. Discipline is an admirable virtue but when stretched to the extreme of buck-witted obedience, it crosses the thin line to oppression and it’s arguable whether Phogat was here or there.

On the plus side, Phogat has achieved a rare and incredible feat of honing four celebrity female wrestlers in his family of whom the country is immensely proud. He has sacrificed a significant part of his life to build that of his daughters. In a sport that gets nobody’s ear in the country, and in which girls are never, as a norm, encouraged to participate, he has achieved the near-impossible. It is more common to find parents in India discouraging their girls from pursuing a ‘manly’ sport like wrestling if for no other reason than for the fear of not finding a suitable groom eventually.

Hence, it cannot be said more emphatically that Phogat is an extraordinary man. Indeed, he is an institution who we need to cheer and applaud loudly for his daring to think out of the box and twist gender roles in a tradition-worn village; and that, in a state like Haryana which is known for its high incidence of female foeticide. Thanks to him, Haryana today is also known for producing a veritable galaxy of female wrestlers. For blazing this trail, Phogat deserves a standing ovation and then some more.

That said, I think he went a bit too far. He shoved his daughters where a nudge, or a gentle push, was all he was entitled to. He denied his daughters the freedom to think for themselves or find their choice. Phogat has said on television that he is open to his daughters marrying a person of their choice. But, based on his portrayal in the film, he has failed to ask them if he could define their life for them in this indelible manner.

The fact that it turned out all well in the end does not, as Mahatma Gandhi has said, justify the means. The girls have lost their childhood forever. Was it a small price to pay? And, did they want to pay this price? The questions can go either way and tip the scales in this balance-of-parenting story.

What is more worrying is the influence their story may have, or have had, on other parents. This brand of parenting is a common sight in many homes in varying degrees. For every Phogat that is successful, there are countless others who are not. On any talent contest on television, nine out of ten children claim to be there to fulfill some frustrated mother or father’s dream. What a woman or man could not achieve for themselves, they ends up inflicting on their children. Some of these kids sob bitterly on their elimination from these shows only because oh, the over-bearing parent would be so disappointed.

Success measured in terms of public, even national, adulation is not always wholly satisfying. For all the parents coaxing or coercing their children onto their unfulfilled missions, I would say, cut them some slack.

The author is a freelance journalist. Views expressed are personal.