Apocalypse not now

About two years ago, I was giving my now five-year-old son a lecture about listening to his parents (that is, ME) and how some times (that is, ALL THE TIME) he would have to do things he didn’t want to, but were for the best.

“You’ll just have to listen to your mother.”

My son turned to me and said, “But I don’t want to listen to you. I want to listen to only me.”

Later on, on hearing the story my husband annoyingly and philosophically said, “Well, of course he doesn’t want to listen to you. You can’t control your children, you know.” WHAT? Of course I can control my kids. I thought that was the whole point of having kids. I would go through nine and a half months of morning sickness, weight gain, flatulence, swollen clown feet and the equivalent of bowling ball sized bowel movement and in return, I would get a biddable, sweet, obedient puppet monkey who would do as I say and give foot rubs.

A part of me realised my husband was right (but don’t tell him I said that, and NO he doesn’t know I write this column). Not that it did me any good, because over two years have passed and I still try valiantly to get my sons to do as I say. The general rule of thumb seems to be: ask nicely, don’t screech or look murderous, don’t mutter profanities under your breath (because kids hear every thing) and a lollipop goes a long way in getting your way and and a foot rub. Of course more often than not, I forget one or all the above rules and go in for a good ol’ fashioned yelling.

I was reminded of my son’s desire for independence when I recently read Will Smith’s interview where he spoke about son Jaden’s desire to be an emancipated minor, and receive as a 15th birthday gift, his freedom and the right to “listen to only me”. Smith Sr told The Sun newspaper, “I know if we do this, he can be an emancipated minor, because he really wants to have his own place, like ‘Ooh’.”

Like Ooh indeed. I’d really like a place of my own too. A supply closet would do.

Smith goes on to describe his parenting philosophy. “We generally don’t believe in punishment. From the time Jaden was five or six we would sit him down, and all he has to do is be able to explain why what he did was the right thing for his life.’’

Does that work? Isn’t it just easier to yell at them?

I read a lot about parenting: effective parenting, helicopter parenting, being an Orange Rhino,  a Tiger Mom and a Kangaroo father. All of it seems like great advice though frankly I could do without the bizarre animal names. But how much of this can one practically put to use? Early in the morning, even before that first hit of caffeine, when your two-year-old kicks you in the va-jay-jay and demands that you find Thomas, it is very hard to be reasonable and talk to him about life choices. I would probably get a black eye in addition to damaged nether regions for my efforts.

But after an interminable summer vacation that has tested my patience and damaged my vocal chords, I decided to put Smith’s technique to practice. So last week, when my five-year-old had an ‘incident’ that involved sun screen lotioned hands and freshly painted walls, instead of my usual Medusa routine I sat my son down and asked him to ‘explain why what he did was the right thing’.
Mutiny on the Bounty replied, “Because.”

“Becaaause…?”

“I wanted to.”

Oh.

“Anything you want to add to that?”

“Yes. Can I eat some cheese now?”

I’m going to hang on to my snake wig and Medusa routine for just a little bit longer.

And Will and Jada, your son is friends with Justin Bieber. That one ‘life choice’ alone should tell you he shouldn’t have his own place. A supply closet should do nicely.

Menaka Raman a former advertising professional is currently a freelance writer, occasional blogger and also moonlights as a mother. She tries to write when she’s not chasing dragons and riding magic carpets with her two boys.