Tolerance: Key to be with your mate

What holds the key to a happy long-term relationship? Tolerance. The ability to accept or deal with something one dislikes or disagrees with - the capacity to endure something. Tolerance possesses the characteristic to transform even the worst. It doesn’t mean yielding to pain inflicted repeatedly, either mentally or physically, and shouldn’t be mistaken as suffering — for these are two different words with different undertones. Tolerance is the hinge on which even the most precarious marriage can stay.  

People’s tolerance has taken a beating. Especially to sustain a marriage, you need tolerance in small things – a struggle for many today.

Intolerance towards your partner’s choices – personal and professional is common. Don’t forget you are one of them and learn to live with them. Criticising your partner for not being a movie buff, for not being a foodie or for not having been bitten by the travel bug as you, is baseless. Every individual has a right to choose. “She never drinks with me” or “he never comes to my friends’ gatherings” are common rants. The “never” says it all. When you know that he/she doesn’t like something why force him or her into it?  You can jolly well do without your partner not drinking or not going out with you at certain places. Avoid letting it have an adverse cascading effect on the other areas of your marriage. 

Longer the relationship, larger the tolerance – so one would believe. Unfortunately, it is getting inversely proportional. With passing years, tolerance levels are dipping. What was accepted or tolerated earlier is not acceptable anymore. It could be a catharsis of long-term suppression. It could also stem from some other nagging issues. But, even the magnitude of smaller things is magnified and not borne. “I cannot stand your terrible dressing”. “I get so put off when you remove your shoes just anywhere”.  “I can’t take your disheveled hair anymore”. Why the intolerance for something which was put up with all these years?

When a relationship loses the spark, intolerance creeps in. Do not take your marriage or your partner for granted to an extent where you become an object of his/her intolerance. Be the catalyst to get back the spark. Don’t wait. Go date your mate. Celebrate!

Relationship and couples therapist. Helps couples and individuals deal with their relationship problems effectively 
sagarika@thoughtcounsel.com