Genes or jeans, seek the right fit

Relationships are complex. A fact known to all. The latest study reveals, genes play a major role in depicting what kind of a partner one would be – warm and supportive or cold and indifferent. So, does it mean one needs to check out the genetics of one's prospective partner before getting into a serious relationship? Absolutely.

Genes determine what we are, what we do and how we do – our defence and coping mechanisms included. Differences in these can cause severe relationship distress. The irony is when one of the partners is pleasant, sweet and warm as opposed to the other partner, the sweetness, warmth and affection are neither reciprocated nor acknowledged. It's either overseen or taken for granted by the partner with dissimilar traits. After all, they are wired differently – thanks to their DNA.

I am seeing a young girl with a very pleasant disposition. Unfortunately, she's married into a family which has no place for emotions. She feels miserable because she's grown up in a family where expression of love and feelings were always verbal and mutual. In this family, she feels she is dealing with robots and is being treated like one. The constitution of a potential partner's family reveals a lot. Their style of interactions, patterns of communication, dynamics of their parents' equation and behavioural patterns speak volumes about them. Since genes and environment shape an individual, one should never turn a blind eye to these two superlatively important factors. Wrong genes can be corrected with the right environment but when the same genes are compounded by a similar environment, the chances of any positive modification become bleak in the future. When I say wrong genes, I don't mean to say they are 'wrong' literally but rather wrong for someone who has a drastically different set of genes.

So, when one's optimistic thinking prescribes to overlook the genes and environment not favourable for a good alliance, one should think twice. Regrettably, such relationships never succeed in the long run. "Oh, I will change him/her in the future" or "I will adjust because I love him/her" are all transitory feelings. When the reality dawns after the emotional euphoria fades, it can spell doom. 'Love is blind' holds a world of wisdom. Be wise and don't be blind to the love around you. Whether genes or jeans, seek the right fit.

Relationship and couples therapist. Helps couples and individuals deal with their relationship problems effectively 
sagarika@thoughtcounsel.com