Don't sweat over your partner's niceness

Are you one of those who always question your spouse's liaison with other people, not necessarily with someone from the other gender? So many clients repeatedly complain about their partner "being nice" to other people. Being nice to someone is a basic form of kindness. Everyone should be kind. Then why this inadequacy or jealousy the moment one's partner is a little "extra nice" to someone else? "Why do you have to be so nice to him/her?" One should always take pride in the fact that one's spouse is a polite, courteous being. Would you want a partner who is curt, indifferent or rude?

The basic rule which rules all human beings is that when you are with someone for a limited period of time, you tend to be nice. It's only when you spend a lot of time with someone, which is usually at home, that you are your self – a melange of nice, very nice and sometimes not nice. Any individual who feels bad about one's partner being good to someone else lacks self - confidence. It's vital to understand that showering attention on someone has a shelf life. A few clients complain that their spouse is "nicer" to this other person or not "as nice" with them. According to me, one should never fret over such situations. When you feel your partner is being pleasantly different from what he/she usually is, you should be happy. Since that's not what he or she is and anything which is not inherently real, never lasts.

Generally, all couples develop an organic relationship with each other over the years. It's very natural for anyone to give or enjoy some attention from someone who is not one's partner. Doesn't mean your relationship is endangered. Learn to accept "niceties" extended to other people. Dwelling over it can take a toll on your mental health and also on the well-being of your relationship. When you are comfortable with your partner's pleasant temperament with others, it will bring you a lot of peace.

When you generally remain unaffected by your partner's pleasant dispositions with others, the moment you feel someone is getting extra special attention, you will be in a better position to curb it. Perennial complaining can fall on deaf ears. But with your unruffled attitude, you'd know there's a time for war and a time for peace.

Relationship and couples therapist. Helps couples and individuals deal with their relationship problems effectively 
sagarika@thoughtcounsel.com