Don't let your marriage phase you out

It seems younger couples in committed relationships, not necessarily married are more egalitarian in their approach to partnerships. If their relationship heads for a splitsville, both are equally affected and try to address the problem together or if irreconcilable, they are in sync to call it quits. Unfortunately, in most marriages of today, gender equality in terms of one's insight into marriage doesn't rule the roost. The latest statistics show it's the wife who expresses dissatisfaction and seeks a divorce. The husband may report feeling troubled by his wife's dissatisfaction but he's ok with the overall state of marriage.

This 'ok' comes from the way men gauge their wives' lack of communication which makes them oblivious to their wives' intend for divorce. For most men, an absence of conflict is akin to everything being hunky dory. Also, being occupied in their careers, they don't spend their time brooding over their marriage. They are unable to fathom the fact that the wife is so tired of raking up the same issues with no tangible solutions in place that she considers giving up on her spouse and marriage. When many women go radio silent about their state of marriage with no possible improvement and contribution by their better half, they have lost interest. This is read very differently by the husband who thinks all is well when all is not at all well.

The first sign of an impending divorce is when a spouse starts to shut down verbally. This means one is contemplating an exit. The moment there is no detailed daily conversation – about one's day, life in general, it can be a warning sign. Inordinately tight-lipped behaviour of a spouse needs to be addressed by asking questions habitually.

As any marriage goes through a natural course of ageing, communication many times takes a back seat. The downhill trend speaks a lot about the state of marriage. There are marriages that mature with time with two partners becoming the best of friends to share anything and everything under the sun.

Get rid of your fairy tale misconstructions about marriage. Romance never lasts but communication and friendship do. So, prioritize right. Let's not let one partner or gender be discerned by marital distress and dissatisfaction. After all majority of us invest maximum number of our years in a marriage. Why not make it our best phase? Let's cut the chase and start a new phase.

Relationship and couples therapist. Helps couples and individuals deal with their relationship problems effectively 
sagarika@thoughtcounsel.com